The old one-two again
Oh God, I’m so tired of this. Why is it that the moment you’ve calmed down from defending yourself against the ‘straight women who write m/m fiction ought to be ashamed of themselves for exploiting gay men‘ debate, you get hit with the ‘women who write m/m fiction ought to be ashamed of themselves for their misogyny‘ stick?
I’ve been holding a long email conversation with a lady who is convinced that misogyny is at the root of my writing, and at the root of the reason why (she thinks) no m/m writer in existence likes her book. Now she says that because I don’t admit to being a misogynist, I must be so ashamed of it that I’m lying to her.
What do I do? Ingrained politeness tells me that I must not be the one to put a stop to a conversation. My religion tells me I must turn the other cheek and forgive seven times seventy times. But dear God, it’s so hard! And in the mean time I’m losing the will to write anything at all.
Do I tell her that the conversation has gone on too long and it’s a threat to my mental health? (It really is making me that angry and depressed.) Or do I wait a couple of weeks, until my anger and depression have eased a bit and then give her a polite answer back – thus prolonging a conversation that makes me feel like this almost every time?
Or do I just grow a thicker skin and laugh it all off? I think that may be the ultimate answer. But will a thicker skin make me more insensitive? I’m not sure I would want that. I guess you need callouses on your skin for walking or for playing the harp, but do you need callouses on your soul to be able to write? I somehow can’t imagine they would make you write any better.
You've been far more polite that I would have been. Srsly. I think some people are never going to change their minds or even be open to change. I think you should write, turn the other cheek and just not reply. Misogyny? I hardly think so.
LOL! Thanks, Sarah! I feel like such a bad person for getting to this stage where I just want to stop talking to her. And yet we were almost getting to the stage where we could talk about other things which actually interested us both. it would be a shame to lose that. I guess what I'll have to say is 'ok, I have nothing else to say on the misogyny issue, but we can talk about other things.' That might work! Thank you 🙂
Don't even answer. If she's accusing you of misogyny, and continuing to go at the conversation, she's already gone beyond politeness. You do not have to answer that, and etiquette does not demand you take abuse. Just walk away. Send all her e-mails to spam.
I'm glad to know that you also think that the supposition that I am a misogynist is an inherently insulting one. I think so too. She says that she doesn't see it that way and that I have no reason to 'pretend' not to be a misogynist if I don't want to. But to me the statement that I don't have to pretend not to be a misogynist with her = insulting me by calling me a misogynist PLUS insulting me by calling me a liar. I think I will at least refuse to answer the bit about misogyny, and I'll have to consider what to do with the rest of the conversation. I did think we were getting somewhere, before she raised the misogyny thing again. But at the very least it's time I started dictating some of the terms of this relationship 🙂 thank you!
That is so incredibly sad. You write beautiful, eloquent stories. If you didn't then you wouldn't have so many people who read your books. And on the other hand, how DARE she? If she doesn't like what you write, then she has the right to put down your book and not read it. She does NOT have the right to criticize you for your artistic vision. Ok. So you're not writing 'Great Art'. You are still an artist. You still have vision. And your craft is impeccable.
Tell her to stuff her 'misogyny' crap somewhere biologically improbable and get on with your life. You don't need baggage like that hanging around and dragging you down.
LOL! Thank you! I'm not sure I would dare, but the thought of it is quite cheering. And *hugs* for saying such nice things about my writing. Thank you! I don't know if it's a case of artistic vision so much as the two of us just not being on the same wavelength. And I think she blames me, or at least thinks I can account for, some stuff that hurt her, even though I was not involved in that.
Wait a minute. She is a writer, and is mad that no m/m writer likes *her* book?
What portion of her problem is sour grapes?
Just walk away, Alex. She's the one with the issues. Not you.
I wish I could believe I had no issues at all 🙂 I admit that I worry that at least some of it is my issues too. But if that's the case it's still an argument for stopping the conversation, because it's not doing either of us any good.
Thank you!
Oh, God, Alex, tell her to take a total hike! At least in your own mind while you drop all communication with her. You don't owe her a thing.
*G* I'm just not brave or decisive enough – and I don't want to be mean.